I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
