Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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