Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
FUCK WHALES
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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