I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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