Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
