This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
