I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
