iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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