the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
