My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
