FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
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He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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