Only a mothe r could love this liver
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
