First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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