Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
