i just wanna soil my oats bro
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
