meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
