so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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