And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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