He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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