New low: just hacked my moms facebook
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
