Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
