I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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