I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
