it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
