story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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