M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
