Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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