I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
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well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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