Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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