While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
