i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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