remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
