Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
