it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
