the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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