The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
