my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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