I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
