i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
