I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
