dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You pole danced in your parka.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
