I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
