I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
