Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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