Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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