You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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