I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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