so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
