I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
