I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
