I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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