did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I fill condoms, not promises.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
