i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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