I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
