Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
