i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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