Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
